I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
