Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
