ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
