I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
