dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize