Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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