How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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