Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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