Betty ford says i'm here all night
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
