I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
