Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
