you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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