I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
