Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
