also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
