I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
