you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
