Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize