Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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