Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
