dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
