So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
