Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
