Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
