TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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