I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
