i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize