I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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