bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
