And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
