The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
