I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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