my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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