Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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