I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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