I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
