It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
