Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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