I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
