You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
