god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
