I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
