That's intense
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
