I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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