i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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