dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
