Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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