i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
