Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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