How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Man, jail baloney is awful.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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