No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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