I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
