I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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