you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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