Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
