i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, beer. Big fan.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
