Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Randomize
