Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
