Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Boobs speak an international language.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
