I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
