Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
