we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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