I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
