dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
