I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize