I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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