The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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