I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
