The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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