Dude my mom stole all your condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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