you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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