One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
