I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize