ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
